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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30037647">unescapable</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leutik/pseuds/Leutik'>Leutik</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the wilds soulmates aus [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, Multi, Or Is It?, Slightly futuristic, Soulmates AU, shelby and toni are kind of unfaithful bitches in this one, thoughts of cheating</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:00:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30037647</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leutik/pseuds/Leutik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>toni is married to regan, shelby is married to andrew. a new device that lets you know who your soulmate is, gets on the market.</p>
<p>or: the wilds x soulmates (2020) au</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Andrew/Shelby Goodkind, Dot Campbell/Fatin Jadmani/Leah Rilke/Rachel Reid, Nora Reid/Quinn, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the wilds soulmates aus [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2209641</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>256</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. degeneration of sexual corruption: gayness.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been four years. Four years they’ve been married, but Shelby still can’t get used to having sex with Andrew.</p>
<p>She guesses it was inevitable, as she had been saving herself for after marriage, leaving Andrew free to… deal with his needs on his own. His, and his girl friends’, that is.</p>
<p>Shelby doesn’t really care. She doesn’t care and she almost, egotistically wishes Andrew would still go after younger, available, disposable girls to this day, leaving her alone. But he can’t, as they’re married now, and they’re bound by a holy sacrament.</p>
<p>(Shelby grew into not caring about it, but the first time she found out, well, she was devastated. Not because it was Andrew, but because it meant that Shelby wasn’t worth waiting for, wasn’t worth being chaste for. Dorothy Campbell found her in the girls’ bathroom after fourth period, found her sobbing and holding her own arms, and she told her that Andrew was a dick — a small thing, that redirected Shelby’s self-loathing to him.)</p>
<p>But, because they’re bound by a holy sacrament, the Bible is very clear: husband and wife have a duty, sexually speaking, to the other, and if Andrew needs it, Shelby has to give her body to him, and vice versa. Even when the versa doesn’t apply. Consent one of the many things one has to give up, marrying in Church.</p>
<p>So now Shelby is holding on Andrew’s back for the entirety of the two minutes he’ll last, feeling even less excited than when she goes grocery shopping — and perhaps it’s because the cashier is a pretty lady with pretty lips that always smiles at her — in a way that forced them to always have extra lube, just in case.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The familiar weight of the ball in her hands. Following its movement when falling, and when it rises again. Predictable, directed by her action, feeling it as an extension to Toni’s body.</p>
<p>She’s reminded of the time she used to play, before the injury, with every dribble and every shot. How it felt as if the ball was her own, just her own, and if anyone tried to take it from her, it was Toni’s duty to take it back in possession. And by how easy it was to her, and the relief she felt when her fingers touched her again, it really felt as if it was part of her. As if she was born to play basketball.</p>
<p>But, weak knees and consumed cartilage can do a number on an athlete, so that it only took a quick change of direction, her torso in a way, feet too quick to catch up, that something snapped.</p>
<p>And now Toni is playing on the concrete between her and Regan’s courtyard, next to their parking lot, shooting an old ball in an even older basket.</p>
<p>She can’t complain, she knows, as she teaches basket to little kids — so she still gets to do what she loves. But it’s not the same. Not quite.</p>
<p>«Don’t overdo it, honey,» Regan warns her, walking by, catching her by the hem of her shirt and pulling her closer for a peck on the cheek.</p>
<p>And it’s not the same, not quite. Toni knows most relationships exit the honeymoon phase in a worse way than they did: they still have sex weekly — well, that’s a sad thing to admit to teenager Toni, if she ever was to — which she can’t tell about most couples their age.</p>
<p>And sure, they’re just in their thirties, but sometimes Toni feels a hundred years old. Doomed to grow old with physical infirmities and a life of<em> good enough </em>.</p>
<p>And, fuck, Toni comes from a background of foster caring and uncertainty, so good enough should be perfect, but perhaps it’s precisely because it’s instability what is familiar to her, that she feels so much like a stranger in Regan’s steady arms, sometimes.</p>
<p>«You okay?»</p>
<p>It doesn’t help that Regan can read her like a book.</p>
<p>So Toni turns around, and shoots one last shoot, before pulling her in, in a kiss that would have made her head spin, back in the day.</p>
<p>Now it feels a bit mechanical, a bit boring, but Regan smiles at her fondly when they break apart, and suddenly, Toni wonders if she’s falling out of love.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>«It’s so, so- I don’t even have a word for it, honestly. It can’t surely come from the Lord, something so… <em> like that </em>.»</p>
<p>Andrew and Shelby are invited to their weekly dinner at Shelby’s parents’, and Dave is trying to engage in a conversation with Andrew, even if it’s more like a monologue, where Shelby’s husband sticks to nodding and agreeing with his host.</p>
<p>This time Shelby’s dad is complaining about Soulmates: a high tech device that was released earlier that year, got a ton of advertising. Dave won’t say its name, carefully avoiding it, purposefully keeping ambiguous, in the way words verify what they stand for, in the way words are more powerful than the beliefs one could have against what they stand for.</p>
<p>In the way Shelby had to say “I’m not <em> like that </em>”, instead of using the proper word, the word lesbian, because censorship is the greatest weapon in expressing one’s distance from the topic.</p>
<p>So no, Shelby hasn’t exactly understood how this new technology exactly works, but she understands that Dave perceives it as yet another way, under the premise of pseudo-science, people are trying to mess with His creation.</p>
<p>And Shelby swallows it, because she’s so fucking tired of fighting, when no one has her back.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Toni noticed how Martha sounds very happy now with Marcus — in <em> Perù </em>, of all fucking places on earth — but she also misses her so, so much.</p>
<p>Everytime Soulmate’s commercial pops up, she can’t help but think of Martha, and gets a bit melancholic. And because Toni is selfish, she often wishes the stupid thing was never invented, to have her best friend by her side once again.</p>
<p>«I think it’s time for us to have the talk,» Regan tells her, as the Soulmate’s commercial in white and blues plays before their eyes, and as Toni turns to look at her, she can see those same white and blues paint pretty reflections on Regan’s skin.</p>
<p>She’s beautiful, familiar, in the way Toni is almost used to it.</p>
<p>«What talk?»</p>
<p>«You always get all dark when their ads come up. Do you- are you unhappy here, with me?»</p>
<p>That really isn’t the reason why Toni “gets all dark”, and unhappy seems too much of a strong word to her, so she shakes her head, «They just remind me of Marty.»</p>
<p>Regan nods, but doesn’t look too convinced. She still nuggles against Toni’s body, as if trying to force her love on her, if that wasn’t that case — and that, sadly enough, really was not — «It’s just that you seem off ever since we moved here.»</p>
<p>They moved a month ago or so, but Toni is used to following Regan around for her clarinet concerts, so that really isn’t the reason either. Still, Regan continues: «I was thinking about becoming a music teacher, actually. To have some stability, and, you know. Become foster parents, as we talked about.»</p>
<p>It feels like a bucket of ice cold water, and suddenly, Toni is brought back to her senses. To cut the crap, get her shit together, because she’s no longer a dreaming teenager: they’re a family now. No space for that sort of thoughts.</p>
<p>Family — stability. Regan ready to give up on her own dream, just because Toni looks a bit off. Foster parenting, still for Toni. Regan who reached out through Martha, even after Toni broke her fucking rear window, all those years ago. Regan who had the patience to try and date her again. Regan who dragged her to therapy for her anger issues.</p>
<p>Toni says it like a prayer, because she really, <em> really </em>means it: «I don’t deserve you.»</p>
<p>But Regan chuckles, as if Toni was saying that lightly, and didn’t believe it with her whole heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>«So, what do you think about them?» Andrew asks her, as they’re having dinner together, quietly sitting in front of each other, the tv dutifully turned off “to give Jesus some space to speak”.</p>
<p>«I’m sorry, who?»</p>
<p>Andrew shakes his head a bit, «The new neighbours, what do you think of them?»</p>
<p>Shelby has been so caught up in her own little world, that she didn’t even actually notice that someone moved in. She glances quickly out of the window, and Andrew supplies: «They moved in this morning. I saw the truck on my way to work.»</p>
<p>So, perhaps it’s not Shelby being too much in her own mind. Perhaps it’s Shelby spending so much time in that damn house, and there are only so many floors to clean, when you’re a housewife with no children yet.</p>
<p><em> Yet </em>. Shelby shudders.</p>
<p>Fake smile on, and she asks: «I have to pay them a visit, then.»</p>
<p>«Be careful,» Andrew tells her, as if they were actually dangerous.</p>
<p>Shelby chuckles, «Why, are they violent or something?»</p>
<p>«There’s four of them and I’m pretty sure they’re…» Shelby knows it’s bad when the word can’t be uttered, «They’re- I saw them kissing this morning, on the patio. Like, kissing each other, all of them, on the lips.»</p>
<p>So they’re polygamous, Shelby understands. She smiles, «I’ll be careful, don’t worry.»</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em> “Then you can tell me goodbye” </em> by The Casinos plays through the speakers of their stereo system, as it always does, when Toni feels extra romantic and wants to do something nice for Regan.</p>
<p>She hasn’t done that in a while, and Toni <em>isn’t </em>feeling exactly romantic, but rather guilty and grateful and dirty with some weird secret. Incriminated with the spell of not being able to feel what Regan seems to be feeling for her, despite how it’s ironic, despite how it should be the other way around.</p>
<p>So the song is playing, starts playing exactly when Regan sets foot by the front door, and her whole face lights up at the very first few notes — Toni feels even worse. Because it took just that, and still, Toni neglected Regan that very little thing for months now.</p>
<p>«<em> Kiss me each morning for a million years, </em>» She starts singing with the song, leaving the bag by the door, the jacket on the hanger, the shoes on the floor — making her way towards Toni, who’s staying there, hands in hands, chest impossibly tight, a knot in her throat.</p>
<p>Regan puts her hands on Toni’s neck like they’ve done a million times before, and Toni’s hands fly on Regan’s back, but Regan is right: there’s something off, ever since they moved, ever since Martha took the stupid test, in a way that every familiar touch feels a lot less like home, and a lot more uncertain. Questioning.</p>
<p>Is Regan actually her soulmate?</p>
<p>The lyrics don’t really help.</p>
<p><em> Then if you must go, I won't tell you no, just so that we can say we tried </em> — Regan’s «I love you, Toni.» right on cue with <em> tell me you'll love me for a million years </em>.</p>
<p>And Toni’s «I know you do.» shadowed by the song fading out. <em> Then if it don't work out, then you can tell me goodbye. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>The neighbours are something else, really.</p>
<p>«Hi, I’m Shelby, welcome to the neighborhood — I brought you a pie!» Shelby says, as soon as a woman opens the front door, and before she can say anything, a voice from behind her shoulders comments: «Oh my god, this shit actually happens then.» and another: «Behave, Fatin.»</p>
<p>And soon enough, Shelby is being pulled in by a woman who introduces herself as Rachel, and in the hallways there’s who must be Fatin, and they walk in the kitchen under the premise of having a cup of tea, there she finds «Leah, nice to meet you.» and «Shelby Goodkind? I’m Dot- Dorothy Campbell, not sure you remember me.»</p>
<p>Shelby isn’t sure why none of them is at work, as it’s ten in the morning on a weekday, but she busies herself with reassuring Dot that she, indeed, remembers her (as the girl in the bathroom, the one who sold Andrew the drugs, the one who ran solo in a high school of packs).</p>
<p>It’s weirdly pleasing to just exist in the same space as them. Small talking, watching their interactions.</p>
<p>It’s fascinating how Fatin has this fizzy personality, how Dot feels a bit like the caretaker of the group, how Rachel acts so tough and collected and fierce, and how Leah seems so smart, even in her quietness.</p>
<p>«Nora and Quinn are going to pay us a visit tonight, Dot,» Rachel says, between whatever topic about neighbourhood gossip Fatin is trying to push Shelby in, much to Shelby’s amusement.</p>
<p>«I could invite Regan and Toni too. You know, Regan is leaving the orchestra.» Fatin says, leaving the topic altogether, as soon as her ears pick up on what Rachel just said. Shelby doesn’t know any of these people, but she wonders how busy their house will be, if there’s gonna be four extra people tonight.</p>
<p>«Perhaps Shelby and Andrew could tag along, then.» Dot wraps up, and Shelby, holding on the edge of what might be the start of a friendship, something she desperately <em> needs </em>, says yes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>«Fatin invited us to their place tonight.»</p>
<p>«Did you tell her you’re quitting?»</p>
<p>«Yeah.»</p>
<p>«Must be a goodbye then.»</p>
<p>«We live a ten minutes drive away. We can still hang out.»</p>
<p>“Before they’ll move out again for Fatin’s performances” is on the tip of Toni’s tongue, but she keeps it in, all things considered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>«I told you to be careful, Shelby!»</p>
<p>«They’re not <em> poisonous </em>Andy, it’s just dinner! Besides, we could use some new friends.»</p>
<p>«We can’t be friends with people like that.»</p>
<p>«You haven’t even met them.»</p>
<p>«Don’t need to. We’re not going.»</p>
<p>«I’m going. If you’re so worried, you should come too.»</p>
<p>It’s empowering, how Shelby can assert her strong personality over Andrew, because Andrew is nothing like her father, and for that, she’s grateful.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shelby is in a weird state of mind by the time Andrew knocks on the newcomers’ door, later that night. They’re bringing a bottle of wine, as per costume, and Andrew looks just as nervous as someone about to get an infection would look.</p>
<p>Shelby hopes he won’t embarrass her.</p>
<p>They welcome her warmly, as if she was already part of the family, Fatin getting her into a hug, Rachel calling her “Shelbs”, Dot handshaking Andrew like old times. He looks a bit more comfortable, after seeing Dot’s familiar face.</p>
<p>They’re the first to arrive, and Fatin takes the bottle even if Leah plays the part and tells them they didn’t have to.</p>
<p>It’s a few minutes before the doorbell rings again, and Shelby gets to meet Nora and find out she’s Rachel’s sister — «Are you two related?» Andrew asked, «Just because we’re both black? That’s racist.» Rachel deadpanned, before Nora’s «She’s just joking, we’re twins.»</p>
<p>It’s easy and comfortable, as all of them are lounging on the living room’s sofa, eating some appetizers Leah made «Because she was nervous, we never ever do things this fancy. We order takeout most of the time.» as Dot clarifies.</p>
<p>Andrew laughs, and Shelby shouldn’t, because as Dot told her in that bathroom, many years ago, she’s her own woman and shouldn’t look for his approval — but she feels relieved. And perhaps it’s relief that comes from a place of <em> needing </em>these friends, this escapism, this easiness, this feeling of home she can’t find even in her own, a stranger to her own bed. And maybe, just maybe, Andrew’s blessing will allow her to spend as much time as she needs, with them.</p>
<p>The doorbell rings once more.</p>
<p>«It’s either Toni and Regan or the pizzas.» Fatin says, as Dot stands up, on her way to open the front door, leaving Nora’s «You made appetizers <em> only </em>?» and Quinn’s laugh behind.</p>
<p>Shelby isn’t blind, and if she notices the pretty cashier, she surely noticed Fatin’s pretty smile, Leah’s pretty eyes, Dot’s pretty lips, Rachel’s pretty cheekbones, Nora’s pretty jawline — even the girl who just walked in pretty red hair, highlighted by her lipstick. But she sure isn’t equipped to drink in the other woman’s pretty <em> everything </em> . And it’s just not pretty, pretty isn’t quite the word for it. More like, everything about her looks like it <em> should </em>be, elements that, alone, wouldn’t mean much, but in their complexity stand out more than any other girl in the room. She looks just like one would look after having the shittiest life, and getting out of it as a winner. She looks admirable and wise, if that makes sense. Someone one would want in their life.</p>
<p>«Regan, Toni, these new faces are Shelby and Andrew, we went to high school together.»</p>
<p>«I think you mentioned them.» The stunning woman says, and her voice is just the last straw, as Shelby knows the climax of the evening would be being noticed by her — and what is she, twelve? — just before she adds: «The one with the crux in the ass and the cheater, right?»</p>
<p>«<em> Toni! </em>» The other woman, who must be Regan now, scolds her, tugging her sleeve.</p>
<p>And, sure, Toni might be the most beautiful girl Shelby has ever laid eyes upon, with the sexiest raspy voice — but Shelby can’t fucking stand that kind of arrogance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Toni agreed to come tonight, even if Dot and the rest <em> just </em>moved in and they sure will just give them extra things to clean up, because she needed familiarity, when things back home were starting to feel so weird to her.</p>
<p>But now there are strangers in Dot’s house — Toni only says her name to address the four of them because, for how much Rachel tries, it’s Dot who has the strongest daddy energy — and Toni can’t help but feeling irritated all at once. Regan didn’t mention them, but she didn’t mention Nora and Quinn either, so perhaps she simply wasn’t told as well.</p>
<p>She takes a seat between Nora and Regan, opposite to Andrew and Shelby, who looks as if someone just spat in her drink.</p>
<p>After Toni’s comment the air isn’t tense at all, as Fatin and Rachel covered it in a laugh, which Andrew quickly followed, so everyone falls easily into small talking, creating multiple little conversations.</p>
<p>«Got tired of being so successful, Regan?» Rachel asks from across the room, to which Fatin adds: «Yeah, bitch, if you leave I’ll be all alone amongst fifty years old men.»</p>
<p>Toni hopes Regan won’t spill their little couple problems, but Regan just answers, linking her arm with Toni’s, «I just wanted to be close to Toni, you know, working together and all that.»</p>
<p>Amongst the noises of romanticism that the sappiness evoked, Leah warns: «Good luck with that, you’re gonna be at each other’s throats in a moment.»</p>
<p>«Leah and Toni work at the same school,» Toni hears Dot explain to the newcomers, «Leah is an English teacher, has published a couple of novels and a poetry collection-»</p>
<p>«Enough bragging about Leah,» Rachel interjects, «What about <em> my </em> accomplishments?»</p>
<p>Dot’s «We talk about your accomplishments<em> all the time </em>,» and Fatin’s «You can manage not having all the attention on yourself for five minutes,» are enough to shush her.</p>
<p>Toni looks fondly at them, Regan’s weight on her arm familiar, until she turns her gaze to see the intruders’ reactions, and suddenly, Shelby’s soft and amused eyes while looking at her friends make her want to be as far as possible from her wife.</p>
<p>Weird, and not the place of mind to start a family.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>«This is a story everyone needs to know when meeting Toni.» Nora says, at the mention of Leah’s dad incontinence. They ended up eating the pizzas right there, in the living room, as the kitchen didn’t have enough chairs for all of them, and Shelby has to admit, if the air was comfortable enough before, now she really feels like she did back in high school, moving with her pack of friends.</p>
<p>Except these new friends — if it’s not too early to call them such — feel unapologetically unique and themselves and anti-conformist, in a way that the affection that bonds them is genuine and unconditional.</p>
<p>Shelby looks instantly at the girl in question, and notices how she rolls her eyes, a lazy smile on her lips. «I’ve literally told it a million times, Nor.»</p>
<p>«Yeah but it hits differently when <em> you </em>say it,» Fatin prompts.</p>
<p>«Alright, alright. So, I was playing against these girls, captain of my team-»</p>
<p>«Always showing off huh,» Regan comments, pulling a bit her sleeve, and «Used to play basketball,» Dot clarifies to Shelby and Andrew.</p>
<p>«-and this girl keeps fouling, so I do the normal thing,» snickering come, «Shove my hand in my pants,» Toni says it making exaggerate eye contact, and Shelby wonders where the story is going, «Pissed and threw it at her.»</p>
<p>«On the court, in front of everybody!» Rachel echoes.</p>
<p>«They threatened to kick me out of the team but they had no captain as good as number three Shalifoe, so I stayed, and we won the season.»</p>
<p>«Alright, enough being cocky you,» Fatin says, wrapping the conversation up.</p>
<p>A few conversations later, Andrew asks Dot: «How did you guys meet? I reckon you were dating that Spanish guy.»</p>
<p>«Mateo? Yeah, we’re still in contact. We had a fight, right after my father- and the tests just came out, so I took it, and met Fatin.»</p>
<p>«You mean, the Soulmate test?» Shelby asks, scooting to the edge of the seat, as that is the first time she meets someone who actually took it.</p>
<p>«Yeah, that one.» Dot answers, and Fatin chimes in: «The thing is, we started dating, but suddenly, I get a notification that I have another soulmate.»</p>
<p>«That’s me,» Leah clarifies, before Fatin keeps going: «And the same thing happens to Leah, a few months later, with Rachel.»</p>
<p>«It’s funny, I actually took the test because Nora forced me to.» Rachel says, a sweet smile on her lips, as if remembering the first time she met Leah. Then, she lifts her gaze to look for her: «Man, I thought the thing was broken. I couldn’t <em> stand you </em> at first.»</p>
<p>Shelby is deeply interested, and her interest only grows, when Fatin adds: «Yeah, no one can stand Leah in the beginning. We were all at each other’s throats at first. If it hadn’t been for Dottie…»</p>
<p>«Aw, you flatter me.»</p>
<p>Andrew asks, confused expression in place: «How is it possible that the test gave you more than one  soulmate?»</p>
<p>«You’re asking how the test works?» Nora asks.</p>
<p>«I’m asking why you believe that it works if it gave you more than one soulmate.»</p>
<p>«Well, I actually took the test just for fun, and I believe these are my soulmates <em> after </em>meeting them, not blindly trusting the test,» Fatin explains.</p>
<p>«Also, it’s a bit naive to think that one single person could provide the emotional load you need.» Leah adds, as Nora elaborates: «Soulmate bonds also aren’t necessarily romantic or sexual. My other soulmate is my sister, for example.»</p>
<p>«And it’s <em> not </em>an incest thing.» Rachel points out, eliciting a light laugh, lifting the mood.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Every time Toni witnesses the group interacting, she’s dead sure that she doesn’t need to take the test, as these are her people.</p>
<p>(But Martha comes to mind, and again, it feels a bit like a self-convincing argument.)</p>
<p>Regan, being the perfect wife she is, tries to put Andrew back at ease asking how he and Shelby met, and Toni finds out how they’re one of the rares living examples of high school sweethearts, to which Dot testifies; Andrew asks the same question to Quinn and Nora, who answer how the test made them meet.</p>
<p>«Looks like we’re the only old school ones, Shelby.» Andrew says, and Toni doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that he’s doing most of the talking. Toni doesn’t really mind him, as he looks like the kind of guy who wouldn’t <em> actively </em>try to hurt others, but wouldn’t put too much effort into helping them either. He feels bland to Toni, so perhaps Shelby could just be a quiet person herself.</p>
<p>«Actually, Toni and I met in high school too,» Regan says, with pride in her voice, and again, Toni feels a flash of guilt, affection and <em> something else </em> right in her chest.</p>
<p>Toni witnesses Andrew’s and Shelby’s reaction, and it almost feels as if Andrew forgot that he’s supposed to be a republican, because he asks quite enthusiastically: «Really? And you also took the test? Well, what were the chances-»</p>
<p>Shelby looks surprised, just plain surprise, that it could mean a million reasons: because Quinn and Nora are a “traditional couple” and because Nora pointed out that Dot’s bond with the others might have not been sexual — it totally <em> is </em>, Toni is unluckily aware — that leaves Regan and Toni to represent the degeneration of sexual corruption. Gayness.</p>
<p>Perhaps Toni could befriend Andrew, but his wife? She just looks that bad. That <em> conservative </em>. Quiet and submissive.</p>
<p>«We actually didn’t take the test.» Regan interrupts him.</p>
<p>«May I ask why?» Shelby asks, speaking for the first time in a handful of minutes,  shadowed by her loud loud husband. And she asks Toni, for some reason, and not Regan, who’s the one doing the talking. Toni wonders if Shelby is being inquisitive because Regan and Toni don’t have the excuse of a failed algorithm to blame for their queer lifestyle, but rather an active and spontaneous choice of their own.</p>
<p>«Because it’s bullshit.» Toni answers, before quickly adding: «No offence Nora,» as she’s one of the engineers who worked on the algorithm. Quinn, always the defender, starts with his sciency explanations: «Actually, statistically speaking, this is one of the most sophisticated tests with the highest rate of client satisfaction-»</p>
<p>«That’s because people are lonely, doesn’t mean the test isn’t bullshit.» Toni reinforces, — «Sorry Nora,» and «Don’t worry.» — even if she doesn’t actually necessarily think that the Soulmate test might not work, it’s just that she’s been thinking about it lately, for some fucked up reason, and it only brought her even more stress into a relationship already frail enough.</p>
<p>Nora places a hand on Quinn’s arm, to prevent him from offering whatever statistics he knows by heart, as Regan eyes Toni and supplies: «Actually, we’re so sure that we’re each other Soulmates, that it would just be superfluous.»</p>
<p>Shelby looks contemplatively at her hands, while Andrew just smiles and nods to himself, «Must be nice, being still in the honeymoon phase.»</p>
<p>He’s right, Toni thinks. Must be nice being still in the honeymoon phase — the way Regan is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time Shelby is undressing in her room, Andrew jumping out of the shower just then, she feels like she’s learned a million things today.</p>
<p>«So, what do you think of them?» Andrew asks, walking in their bedroom wearing nothing but a towel on his hips.</p>
<p>Shelby knows he’s good looking, and more so when it’s dark outside, that their white walls look grey, drawing shadows on his body. He’s good looking, and he’s not evil, he’s just ignorant about many topics, and honestly, Shelby could be in a much worse position.</p>
<p>It’s the bare minimum, but they talk, and there’s almost a friendship, lying below their marriage and the pressure it brings. A friendship, and he’s not violent, and most of the time, he takes care of his needs on his own.</p>
<p>«They seem like nice people.»</p>
<p>«Right? I wasn’t expecting that.»</p>
<p>Shelby chuckles, «What were you expecting?»</p>
<p>«Well, they’re surely atheists.»</p>
<p>«You don’t know that.»</p>
<p>«They’re <em> polyamorous </em>, Shelby.» And, just as the word leaves his lips, Shelby can’t help but feel a little lighter in her chest. So, meeting one of them — or four of them — makes the word less taboo, then.</p>
<p>«Toni is fun, though. Even if she’s gay.»</p>
<p><em> “Even if.” </em> Shelby can’t help but laugh.</p>
<p>The thing is: he’s right. Toni <em> is </em>fun, fun in a confident and charming way, in a way that Andrew might be in a straight girl’s eyes, in a way that makes the piss story exciting instead of disgusting — in a way that waters her arrogance down. Honestly, when she said that the test was bullshit, it almost felt like talking to her dad, in Shelby’s eyes. Stubborn and closed-minded. She only hopes Toni isn’t manipulative too, for Regan’s sake.</p>
<p>So Shelby does the thing she does every time she feels like the carpet has been swiped under her feet, after years of fighting herself, and gets closer to Andrew. Because Regan and Toni haven’t taken the test, sure of being each other’s Soulmates. Hands on his pecs, travelling down, and at least he works out, Shelby thinks. What will Toni’s abdomen feel like, under Regan’s touch? Lower, fingers grabbing the towel, and Andrew is already excited for her, in a way that almost makes her feel guilty, for how little she feels for him. Because she’s married to Andrew, and Shelby is dead sure that they aren’t soulmates, and honestly, she’s been doing fine for the past couple of years, swimming in apathy and denial. So it’s only natural, for her, to try one last time, she holds on to Andrew’s back for the entirety of the two minutes he’ll last, but this one time, Shelby doesn’t think of the pretty cashier.</p>
<p>Would Toni be excited for her too?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tonight, for some reason, their bedroom feels suffocating. Dark blue walls, cold-colours furniture, Regan and Toni’s photos draped across every surface. It feels a bit more like a cage, and a lot less like a nest.</p>
<p>«What do you think of Dot’s new neighbours?» Regan asks her, stripping down from her day clothes, her pyjamas waiting on the edge of the bed, right next to Toni.</p>
<p>«They’re surely republicans.»</p>
<p>Regan laughs, and looks at her fondly. «Good thing we’re here to save them, then.»</p>
<p>Still in underwear, Regan walks up to her, and her lazy kisses on Toni’s neck tell Toni everything she needs to hear: she’s just unsatisfied with her job, she’s just stressed, she just needs to get in tune with Regan like they used to be.</p>
<p>Regan is right. They must be soulmates.</p>
<p>Because Regan’s «Fuck I love you-» while falling apart under Toni’s fingers twist her guts in a weird way, as if she was caught red-handed, but it still twists her guts.</p>
<p>So they <em> must </em>be soulmates.</p>
<p>Right?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. who knew shopping could be this much fun?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Regan and Toni’s schedules now overlap in weird ways. Before, Regan had practice in the afternoon and concerts in the evening, and they spent their mornings together — because gym class is always in the afternoon, and dodgeball is the perfect torture practice Toni can use on kids’ already exhausted little brains — they used to wake up lazily together, have lunch together, and meet again for dinner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now they get to eat together at the school teachers’ cafeteria most days, which is crowded and they hardly manage to talk in the few minutes of break they get.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that’s not the worse thing. The worst thing is that Toni is on shopping duty every day. “Because you find fresh bread in the mornings” and “Because buying just what you need for the day is more sustainable for the environment, zero waste”, Regan’s voice in her head repeats. But Toni has never ever shopped, she just accompanied Regan once or twice, where she just pushed the cart the whole time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been two weeks, and Toni still can’t get that evening at Dot’s out of her head. Shelby’s open disgust, in seeing Regan and Toni’s relationship. Her submission to Andrew. She honestly didn’t deserve the beauty she carried. Such a waste of a pretty face. Everything feminism stood against.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What Toni doesn’t expect, that first time Regan lets her go shopping, is seeing precisely Shelby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course there’s Shelby, housewife Shelby, straight out of a retro early 1900s postcard, with her pastel pink shirt, high waisted jeans and hair up in a bun.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looks at Toni, smiles, eyes her cart — empty, if not for five bags of takis and an orange gatorade — and raises a brow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gets closer, carrying her cart full of vegetables and other green-looking fresh things that probably need a lot of time and preparation before remotely looking tasty — and both of them start carrying their cart, side by side, in the wide aisle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«So, you didn’t take the test.» Is, for some reason, the first thing Shelby tells her. Toni would like to ask her why she cares, if she hasn’t taken it herself. In another time and place, back when casual sex was still a thing and people didn’t know their soulmate ever since they were fourteen, that </span>
  <em>
    <span>test </span>
  </em>
  <span>might have had a sexual connotation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you clean?” “Of course, are you?” “Yeah.” “Cool.” “So, wanna have a drink at my place?” “I was hoping you’d ask.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>— it would go something like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I told you, they’re not trustworthy.» Toni just replies, pushing her cart, the shopping list crumpled in her hand, not sure where eggs are in this damn place. (Regan even tried to draw her a fucking map, but this isn’t the usual supermarket they shop at.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Sounds to me that you’re more scared than anything,» Shelby says, with sharp eyes, concealing a challenge. She takes Toni’s shopping list from her hand, fingers brushing, and Toni feels like lighting struck her. Like she was one of those batteries you throw in the appropriate bins, outside of tobacconists, brought wherever to recharge them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Scared of what?» Toni asks, sensing where this is going, as Shelby holds both their shopping list, grabbing the items they need and placing them in each of their carts as they go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That Regan won’t be your soulmate.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni dry chuckles, «Is that why you and Adam don’t take it?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>Andrew</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and I don’t need a test to know he’s not my soulmate.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That surprises Toni deeply, and she doesn’t know what to ask then. Why are you married? Do you at least love him? Like him? Does he ever let you talk? You know, Quinn used to not let Nora talk, but they went to this couple therapy and focus, Toni, because Shelby is still looking at her expectantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Then why don’t you take it?»</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Toni’s is a good question. Why won’t Shelby take the test? The first thing is that she doesn’t need scientific proof that she is, in fact, a lesbian. Her emotions and feelings and responsiveness to certain thoughts are enough proof, but as long as they stay inside Shelby’s head, she’ll be fine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second thing is the social outing, how if anyone finds out, they’ll ask Shelby who it is, and perhaps her soulmate will too, and she’ll be forced into this new scary reality, where she can no longer fight but can’t surrender either, without giving up on her family, her faith, her certainty — economical included.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The third thing, contradictory enough, is who her soulmate will be. What if he’ll actually be a man? What if the test is actually untrustworthy, and will just give her the person she has bonded the most with, and the result will either be Becca — dead, gone, Becca — or Andrew? Shelby doesn’t even know what might be worse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Seems to me like you’re the scared one.» Toni comments, as Shelby lost herself in her thoughts, mechanically placing items in hers and Toni’s cart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I guess you’re the man in the relationship,» Shelby comments, changing the topic altogether, and at Toni’s confused gaze, she explains: «Because you can’t shop.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That’s a stereotype. The whole point of a lesbian relationship is that there’s no man, you know.» Toni glances at her, «Besides, I just need to get used to it. It’s Regan who usually did it.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I’ve never seen her around.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She goes to another supermarket, but it’s further away. She won’t notice.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby smiles, because she would notice, if Andrew shopped somewhere else. «She </span>
  <em>
    <span>will </span>
  </em>
  <span>notice.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni huffs a nervous laugh, «I need to look for an excuse then.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why did you come here?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Because it’s closer.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You’re here on foot?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yeah, Regan took the car. It’s fine, we’re just at the end of the street.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Well, I have nowhere to be, so I can give you a lift.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni eyes her up and down, and Shelby wonders if she’s gone too far. If she’s been unmasked, and if that’s a bad thing. (She doesn’t mind being looked at, by Toni.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You shop for me and bring me home? </span>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>sound like the man in the relationship.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chuckles, glad Toni settled for a joke, as they keep wandering through the aisles, walking a bit slower than Shelby is used to. And Shelby is used to almost dragging her feet, just to stay away from home a bit more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What does Andrew do anyway?» Toni asks after a while of mindless small talking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«He works at my dad’s church.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni nods, «Must be nice. You’re very… religious?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chuckles, «That’s the kind of question someone like you would ask.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What do you mean “someone like me”?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Never set foot in a church before.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I’m good with things staying that way.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why? It might surprise you.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni smiles in disbelief, «Uh, ‘cause I’m gay?» and, sure, Shelby might have forgotten that for a bit. It’s not that important in her eyes, not at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Progressive churches exist too, you know.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yours is progressive?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but it’s not the only one in town.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Should tell Adam and dad to get more inclusive then.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby notices how Toni switches names at the slightest threat, as if putting distance between the image of smiling Andrew from two weeks ago, and the evil dude who propagates homophobia. Once again, that reminds her of her dad and of Andrew, how not saying words could change what they stand for.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I will.» Shelby lies, with a smile on her lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Bullshit,» Toni mutters to herself, but Shelby knows it’s not something to challenge her, just a consideration between Toni and herself, as if she already gave up on Shelby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Shelby, being Shelby — being this version of herself, being so close to Toni, feeling all electric over something as lame as grocery shopping — trusts Toni with a bit of her life: «It’s not like I never suggested it before, you know.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s silent for a moment, as they round a corner and enter the rice and pasta aisle, and Shelby can hear the gears in Toni’s brain loud and clear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby might tell her: because she’s painfully aware of her own sexuality, of the sick joke God decided to play on her, on the way she’s being tested every minute she spends even just thinking about it. But because Shelby has been living with one foot here and the other there, with one foot still in her dad’s grace, just like she was a teenager, dwelling on the comfort and economic stability Andrew provides her, and the other one there, toying with the idea of being free, of a God that loves her no matter what, of being able to turn around and suddenly kiss Toni here, in the middle of the supermarket, in front of everyone, both their rings shining for the love promises they’d break.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that’s wishful thinking, and there’s nothing about Toni other than sexual appeal, so Shelby won’t throw everything away </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>for that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(She totally lets Regan off the equation, just like she lets out the chance that Toni might be something more than a sexy ex-wnba player.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Because that’s the right thing to do. It wouldn’t make any sense for God to create gay people just for them to suffer. He loves us all unconditionally.» She settles on saying, as that is a true statement she fully believes in, now, after a long long journey of what almost feels like self-acceptance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not to let Becca’s death go wasted. Not to actually sin, with a sin clearly written in the Bible that is lying, and not something culturally dictated by those who wrote it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So, perhaps Shelby isn’t homophobic like Toni labelled her in her head, but still she has to make sure. «Doesn’t the bible say something against gay people?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby looks like she’s recalling something distant before, with a just as distant gaze, she says: «Quite a few,» and for a moment, she doesn’t look like she’s going to elaborate. Until: «That doesn’t mean much, though. It’s all in the old testament, and it might need a bit of cultural cleansing. I don’t believe God would have let people write in His book that he’d rather have two virgin girls be raped than a man having sex with another man.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni didn’t know Shelby was a hardcore Christian enough to know little details of the Bible by heart, and it doesn’t cross her mind why she would know this particular one. But it does sound problematic, poor girl, and perhaps the gay sex was consensual on both parties.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Not very feministic of them.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chuckles, a bit of the concern that was lightly painting her face now gone, «Right? God isn’t even a man.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«How do you know?»  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«If He’s perfect, there can’t be something He’s not.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Well, he’s not evil, right?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Evilness isn’t seen as an entity of its own, but rather a lack of Goodness.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni doesn’t know when she signed up for Theology 101 with Shelby, but before she can register how she actually doesn’t mind talking about that stuff, they’re by the cashier, unloading Toni’s groceries first.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why the male pronouns then?» Toni asks as she pays.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Habit, I guess.»</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«Uh, this is me,» Toni says, as Shelby drives down the street. Shelby parks her car on the side of the road, and gets off the car with Toni to help her with the bags, which took a little convincing:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s fine, you helped me plenty already, I always do this-»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Nonsense, it’s two bags, we can bring one each.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni looks like her protests die on her lips, as Shelby picks the other bag and walks side to side with her, until the little gate. Toni opens it, looks at her, but Shelby doesn’t really catch the hint, if there’s one: she follows Toni through the little cobbled path, until the inside of her house, to leave the bag on the kitchen counter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a bit awkward, as they both stand in Toni’s kitchen, facing each other, the groceries spread across the counter. One can of whatever rolls to the edge of it, and Toni bends down to catch it just in time, but holds on to the counter to get herself back up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Are you okay?» Shelby can’t help but ask, one hand mid-air towards her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Uh, yeah.» She places the can on its plain surface, before saying, in a sort of conclusion: «Well, thanks again Shelby, you’re a lifesaver.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby chuckles, and feels a bit like a teenager all over again. «It’s no problem. If you need any help, well, you know where I shop.» She wants to slap herself for saying such a lame thing, but Toni is chuckling too, with a «Right.» and she’s walking Shelby out, before Shelby can do something stupid like giving her number.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«You’re all smiley today. Had fun shopping?» Regan asks her, as soon as they see each other at the school’s cafeteria.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A flash of guilt washes over Toni, as if she did something more than innocently shop together, and because there’s no reason to lie, she admits: «Actually I ran into Shelby. She helped me with stuff.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan raises a brow and studies her for a minute, as if searching into Toni’s soul, and for some reason, Toni feels cold. «Well, I didn’t expect you to be friends with the “republicans”.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni laughs, because thankfully Regan was only inquisitive about politics and maybe Toni picking a fight with Shelby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Actually, she talked a bit about her church.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«And?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«And yeah, they </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>republicans, but, I don’t know.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Oh my, Toni, have you finally grown mature enough to accept other people’s views?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Not these ones Regan, no. I’d rather die.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Always dramatic.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The bell has never been such a relief to Toni like today.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby puts some music on, as she unloads her own grocery, back home. It’s a random radio station that has upbeat songs she used to listen to as a teen: every item she grabs from the paper bags deserves a little dance, Shelby’s hips moving to the rhythm, and keep moving even when she puts her apron on and starts working on lunch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Having virtually no schedule, Andrew leaves late enough in the morning and eats at home every meal, as Shelby is quite the cook, a skill she learned from her mom, but still leaves after a quick nap to go back to doing whatever in Church. Shelby asked him what he did exactly once, and she only understood it had something to do with the finances of all the activities the Church promotes, from spinning class to Bible study, keeping track of the balances and promoting activities to invest that money back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a desk job, something he could do at home as well, but perhaps understanding </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he spends as much time as possible outside. Shelby won’t lie: she’s quite grateful for that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«We’re in a good mood today!» He says, and Shelby didn’t even hear the front door being opened or the movement of the keys over the music.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby laughs, losing herself a bit in the fantasy of what would her life be, if she actually was in love with Andrew. As he’s a good guy, and as Shelby has the potential to be in a good mood, she’s now reminded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby has seen how he’s been in quite a good mood too, and has been for the past two weeks, ever since they went to meet the neighbours. Well, it’s probably not just that, and it’s more likely that it has more to do with the fact that Shelby initiated things, intimately speaking, like she never ever did before. For the briefest moment, Shelby thinks how Andrew must have felt unloved, being caged in a marriage like theirs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, when Andrew walks in the kitchen, jacket and tie still on, looking like the businessman he tries so hard to be, Shelby smiles at him fondly, because after all, it’s safe to say they’re at least friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Andrew places his hands on Shelby’s hips, in a half back embrace, and Shelby, one carrot and a knife in each hand, leans a bit backwards. Losing herself a bit in the fantasy of what her life would be, if it was Andrew whom she shopped with, this morning, and drove back home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Or if it was Toni, who was pressing her body against hers, or if she was in Regan’s shoes, or if they could all have something like Dot and the rest had.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«You actually bought vegetables? You should go shopping with Shelby more often, I’m honestly impressed.» Regan comments, as she fixes something for dinner, later that night, the window-door open to their little courtyard, as Toni shoots some shots.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«They were on the list.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«We both know you never follow orders.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shrugs, because she actually only looked at the first item on the list, and let Shelby handle it. Actually, thinking back at it, it was quite stupid, as Shelby might have slipped a Bible in or something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Good thing Shelby is a republican, or I’d think your kink for authority might make her attractive to you. She’s easy on the eyes, isn’t she?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni doesn’t know if Regan has some mind-reading powers and is trying to extract information from her in the cruellest way possible: making Toni think it’s something to joke about, as Regan has some voodoo doll of Shelby under their bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Toni tries her best with a nervous chuckle, because Shelby </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>easy on the eyes, but that’s not quite it, as Toni looks at appearance at last. It’s attitude, and confidence, and being authentic, original, your own person, what turns her on. And, sure, authority, whatever. «We don’t objectify women in this household.» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan eyes her in confusion, and Toni knows she should have said something else, something dumb like “they cancel each other out” or something. But Regan ends up chuckling, «Being around her all morning really brought your politically correct self out.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She helped me unload the groceries.» Toni blurts out, as if it was a crime confession.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Good for your knee.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Toni wasn’t even thinking about it, so she goes with it: «Yeah, she actually helped a lot. With the car and everything.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She drove you home?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yeah. I went to the other market, because I was on foot, and it was shorter, but she still offered.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Toni, it didn’t even cross my mind. I’m walking to school tomorrow, you can have the car.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s fine, I mean, it’s close, I’m not invalid.» Toni knows Regan has “</span>
  <em>
    <span>but you are</span>
  </em>
  <span>” on the tip of her tongue, but they fought so many times over it, and it always ends with Toni being frustrated for being reminded she can’t do half the things she used to, with half the easiness, and Regan being frustrated because she can’t help her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Regan lets it go, and says instead: «Let’s hope Shelby will be there often, then.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And, yeah. Let’s hope she will.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby shops every day because it’s her only time outside of home, except for Church and her little runs in the park, so she goes every day, buying just the necessities, and switching places: to the baker, to the butcher, to the chemists’, and finally, to the supermarket, if she needs something from there as well — much like Belle from the Beauty and the Beast, walking around town with </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Bonjour!”s</span>
  </em>
  <span> following her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And as she sings </span>
  <em>
    <span>“There must be more than this provincial life”</span>
  </em>
  <span> in her head, that movie being her favourite of all times — she doesn’t expect to see Toni, the next day, as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She has, again, has her cart full of takis and gatorade, but is actually looking at her list, or better, looking back and forth between the signs at the beginning of every aisle and the list, as if waiting for the sign to display exactly the brand of salt she’s looking for.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Need a hand?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni tenses, as if she internally jumped on the spot, and Shelby wonders if she read too much into Toni’s amicable responses.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Did Regan text you?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby frowns, pushing her cart to be side by side with Toni, «Uh, no? Did she need something?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shakes her head, «No, no she didn’t. Uhm, do you shop every day?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby doesn’t know why but feels a bit attacked, as if this was Toni’s market or something. «Do you?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shrugs, «Regan says it’s best for the environment.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Same reason.» Shelby lies, one of her old days in pageants smile in place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«But you drive here.» Toni points out, and again, that slight feeling of being attacked comes back — as if Toni was testing if Shelby was good enough or something. She doesn’t like it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s an electric car.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That’s what Adam told you? It’s a hybrid at most.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby doesn’t remark how it’s Andrew, and says instead: «What do you know about it?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You gave me a lift?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«And you can tell if a car is hybrid or not?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Only had the fuel gauge.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby doesn’t remember much from the theory part of her driver test, but she doubts any electric car can start without gasoline. «Didn’t know you were a car expert.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I’m not, I just worked in a garage for a few years.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Before basketball?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yeah.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Can I ask why you stopped playing?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Was too old.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Again, Shelby doubts that’s a good reason, as Toni looks like she’s thirty at most, but if it’s a lie, then there’s no point in trying to extort the truth from her, if she doesn’t feel like sharing it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t know if it’s a sensitive subject either, so she tries for a tentative: «Well, too bad. Were you any good?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it must have been a good question, because Toni smirks as if she just won something. «I was the best.»</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby is nice enough to help her that day too, but this time, she shares her “method” to shop: instead of going for the prettiest package like Toni is doing, and instead of just going for the cheapest or the most unknown, she reads the ingredient behind every single item, and confronts them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Damn, it must take you hours to shop.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«All morning actually.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni wonders how long they stayed in here yesterday, but has no means to figure out, as she never glanced at her phone once.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a dangerous thought, a red flag, because Toni is very easily bored, and not glancing at her phone is what characterized her relationship with Regan up to this day. Up to the day where they just exist next to each other, go through their separate lives, and sleep together — no room to be bored, when you’re virtually alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps it’s the emotional void Martha has left in Toni, a kind of bond she never cared to create with Regan, because Martha was already there, as if Toni felt like betraying Martha herself, if she loved Regan a bit too much. But now Toni feels this void, and Shelby is kind and caring, just the way Martha was, the way Regan has never quite been — all fierce and rough edges just like herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Toni?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni blinks, and is brought back to reality, as they approach the cashier. There, an interesting interaction happens: Shelby glancing at the woman scanning the items with a shy smile, the woman replying with a polite smile, moving her eyes back and forth from Toni to Shelby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What was that?» Toni asks, as soon as she finds herself on the passenger seat of Shelby’s car.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What was what?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a silly thought, a thought one would have when they’re seventeen dating an older woman, but Toni feels a certain something as Shelby backs up, one hand behind Toni’s headrest, the other one on the wheel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni feels a bit paranoid in saying that out loud, «Looked like you and the cashier were summoning a demon.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby laughs, «What?» before a little pause stretches, driving down the road, and Shelby stays on the topic: «I used to have a little crush on her, actually.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing could have prepared Toni for that because, </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Straight, christian, married to a man Shelby, having a crush on a woman?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Like a crush-crush? Or a </span>
  <em>
    <span>crush</span>
  </em>
  <span>.» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What’s the difference?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Doesn’t matter.» Toni figures it’s the second kind, the kind straight girls would say as a compliment of sorts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Shelby must think that indeed it matters, «The kind of crush teenagers have?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That doesn’t explain much, and at the same time, it tells Toni that it must be of the first kind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So she nods, dumbly, and even more dumbly Toni utters a: «Cool.»</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«Wanna watch a movie? You know, since you helped me and stuff.» Toni asks her, and Shelby doesn’t exactly have anywhere to be, so she accepts. She helps Toni put her groceries away — «You don’t need to, really,» and «I have to buy my ticket for the next movie,» which sounds a bit too flirty, but there’s no coming back now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s weird, it’s ten in the morning,» Toni comments, as they both sit on the Shalifoe — Shelby doesn’t know Regan’s last name — sofa.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s not alcohol.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Want a drink?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«To make it weirder? Sure.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And with that, a couple of minutes later, they’re back on the couch, a fizzy drink in both their hands, Toni scrolling through the channels.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What do you want to watch?» Toni asks, before a Soulmates commercial pops up, and Shelby hears Toni sighing and switching to another channel, as she mutters: «I hate that stuff.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby has understood that by now, but it still feels a bit exaggerated to be that heated if the only problem is inaccuracy. So she asks, like she did the day before: «Why?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni opens her mouth instantly, but closes it and glances at her, as if thinking she doesn’t deserve the automatic response. (And it’s been just two days, but Shelby feels weirdly in tune with Toni, both safe and on the tip of her toes.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s just- sad, to think that we had to invent that. That we were so lonely, as a species, to invent something like that.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That’s one way to read it. Dottie and the rest look happy enough, though, so it works.» Shelby chuckles, before oversharing, a bit too comfortable to filter that: «Happier than I am for sure.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shoots her eyes at her, «You’re not happy with Andrew?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby doesn’t have to think hard of the answer: «I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>unhappy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but he’s not my soulmate, that’s for sure.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Last time she avoided Toni’s question, when she asked her why she wouldn’t take the test — because Shelby isn’t sure, at this point. It is a question of fear, that much she knows, but she still can’t pinpoint what she’s afraid of.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Toni asks instead: «How do you know?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then, because Shelby feels safe, she senses that Toni is a genuinely kind person, and because she feels electric, at the tip of her toes, as if Toni’s mere presence pushed her to do more, she says, for the first time out loud: «Because I’m not into boys.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, silence falls for a moment, and Toni is looking at her, and Shelby is looking back, and Toni seems surprised, then confused, and the five stages of grief cross her face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why did you marry him?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Convenience,» Shelby answers with much honesty. Convenience in regard of her social status, her parents’ perception of her, the desires of her dad, economic stability. Shelby wouldn’t even know where to start, without a degree, to be independent — and wouldn’t even see the appeal. Because, as much as she’s not happy with Andrew, she’s sure she’d be unhappy all alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Some other commercials are playing in the background, filling the room with comfortable noises, changing of colours on the walls, and they’re sitting facing each other, not very distant, and yet a bit closer than necessary. Toni looks almost lost, when she mutters: «I don’t get it.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And even quieter, Shelby replies: «I don’t need you to.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The way Toni looks at her makes Shelby feel unsafe, all of a sudden: unbalanced in what looked like stability and convenience, but that through Toni’s eyes, feels just like bullshit. They just met, and Shelby shouldn’t care, but she doesn’t want to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>judged </span>
  </em>
  <span>like that. She wants, for whatever stupid reason, to be admired by her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Not all of us are as lucky as you and Regan are,» she concludes, her tone somewhere between resignation and envy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni replies softly: «Right,» drawing backwards, facing the screen, just as the movie starts.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. the sun melts people's brains</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Toni and Shelby might have been grocery shopping together for the past three months, and they might have been spending the rest of their mornings watching movies and playing board games — but that doesn’t mean they’re friends.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So that when school is over, and Regan, Toni and Leah have three months of vacation, Toni has no business missing their little ritual, as she accompanies Regan to go shopping at that other supermarket.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You look just like my Toni now,» Regan comments once, and Toni wonders what she’s referring to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Laid-back and not half as grumpy as when we moved here.» Regan specifies, perhaps seeing Toni’s question written on her features.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby is reminded, just like a cold shower or a bucket of ice on her back, that what she had with Toni was a bad idea, as she doesn’t find her at the market, and her first instinct is to drive to her house to make sure she’s okay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>okay, very much so, as she’s shooting an old basketball ball in her courtyard. It’s a «Hey Shelby!» followed by a glance inside and a quieter: «I’m shopping later with Regan today, since school is over.» This is all Shelby needs, to understand that she needs to leave.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Shelby, poor Shelby, was by no means trying to read what wasn’t there, but she’s never been very good at having friends, learning just now with her neighbours, so that her little “friendship” with Toni felt closer to what she had with Becca.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But there’s Regan inside, and they’re shopping later, so Shelby drives home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If she puts sad music on the radio as if she was twelve all over again, doesn’t mean a thing — and she surely doesn’t notice how Toni beamed at her, and how her smile faded out, as she backpedalled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They don’t have each other’s number, never had a reason to exchange it, as they had silent agreements and unspoken dates — and Toni starts to think it was a stupid idea, as it’s been a week, and she hasn’t seen Shelby ever since.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Hey, do you, uhm-» She coughs, just for the sake of it, «Have Shelby’s number?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan looks at her with a raised brow, «Why would I have it? You’re her shopping buddy.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Right, I’ll ask Dot,» Toni wishes Regan would ask her why, would play a little jealous, to explain that she needs it just to tell her something shopping-related, like in their store they have better prices or whatever. But Regan doesn’t, and Toni wonders what she thinks of it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«You were all smiley and now you’re like…»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Like what, Andrew?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Like when we just married.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby didn’t realize how much her little escapes with Toni, mundane and meaningless, meant everything to her. In an always-the-same kind of life, in a not unhappy, but certainly not happy either life, Toni was her antidote to boredom, to feel alive again. No wonder Andrew caught up on that, and no wonder he’s catching up on her blueness now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Is Toni no longer keeping you company?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby’s eyes snap at him, as she wasn’t expecting him to be so attentive. He chuckles and looks down at his salad, «So it is about her, huh.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Are you mad?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Even if I was, would you care?» And, uncharacteristically enough, he starts mumbling to himself about how she only touched him after hanging out with the rest, how she brought Toni up in every single conversation — even if Shelby was trying really hard not to — and how Toni just seemed to be better than Andrew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s not a competition-»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It is to me! You’re my </span>
  <em>
    <span>wife</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Shelby, and I know it might not mean anything to you, but it means something to me.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Even if you cheated on me?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That was a long time ago, and the body has nothing to do with the heart.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby scoffs, «So you’d let me fuck with someone else, would you?» Shelby doesn’t swear, tries her best not to, but Andrew has just listed everything Shelby had been trying to shove behind her sealed lips, that she feels so exposed. As if talking to a dimmer version of her dad, of the bad version of God she’s been taught before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The one that doesn’t forgive, the one that punishes. And Shelby really doesn’t want to lose all her progress with accepting herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(She’s still his wife, what else could He possibly ask her?)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Is it just something physical with Toni?» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What surprises Shelby is, aside from the fact that Andrew is actually considering infidelity — perhaps to get a pass on his own — but also that he’s asked that question. As if homosexuality wasn’t just something sexual, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>between same-sex people could be possible. Everything the Church stood against.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Shelby, wordlessly, nods. Because Andrew is stupid enough not to connect Shelby’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Toni is so this”</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Toni is so that”</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and how none of them were physical compliments.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«If I get a pass, you get one too.» Shelby points out, both asking for permission, and setting him free of the imaginative cuffs he put on himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he chuckles, «I don’t think I will. I can’t even imagine having sex with someone that isn’t you, Shelby. And perhaps we’ve done things backwards, but after marrying you I finally met you. After you told me about your desires, I understood you, and, fuck, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>fell in love</span>
  </em>
  <span> with you.» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby’s throat feels as if someone was clenching it, preventing her from speaking, so Andrew keeps going: «And I won’t tell you I’m not jealous, and even if Toni is pretty chill, I can’t help see her as a threat now. But if it’s just physical, well. I’m not your jailer. You’re free — but you have to tell Regan, too.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a lot: Andrew’s admission of love, which isn’t the first time he told her he loves her, but it’s the first time it’s not been during an orgasm or leaving the house, kissing her on top of her head or complimenting her cooking. It’s the first time he actually elaborated on that, and now Shelby feels, well, bad.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And, of course, there’s Regan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Toni would be even down for physical intimacy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Shelby could take it, without being dragged by the desires of her heart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck, is she actually considering it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(When Shelby starts kissing Andrew’s neck, later that night, out of guilt, he tells her to stop, and Shelby feels even worse.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«What did you need Shelby’s number for?» Regan finally asks her, days later, right when Toni is defenceless and is being worked out by her wife’s skilful fingers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni gulps, «Why are you asking me- fuck- right </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan smirks, and Toni can’t lie, not even her frosty heart can deny how hot she is.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Just answer me.» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Shopping.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni’s one-word quick answer, in between panting, makes Regan chuckle, «Do you guys ever talk about anything but that?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because Toni’s brain feels like pudding right now, she doesn’t think when she answers: «We play and watch-» a moan, «-watch movies.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan stops, and Toni frowns, and her brain is too slow to think about the reason, but before she can, Regan starts again, «You never told me.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Not important.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«We don’t keep secrets.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Wasn’t important.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Should I be worried?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«For what?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«For you and Shelby?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shakes her head, a bit too vehemently, and Regan might take it as a cue to file the conversation for later, as she focuses to make Toni come.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When later comes, though, Toni is just as unprepared. It’s even worse, in a sense, with Regan lazily drawing circles on her stomach, curled against her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Dangerous things are kept secret.» Is what she starts with, several minutes later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni sighs, more at herself than anything, «Nothing happened.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Did you wish for something to happen?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni goes rigid, and feels cornered, but after all, she’s the worst liar, when it comes to Regan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan reads her perfectly well, and props on one elbow to look at her in the face. «Toni.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Toni looks at her, listening. And Regan’s lucid eyes break her heart in two.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Do you wish for something to happen?» She repeats, warningly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni’s voice is hoarse, when she asks: «Define “something”.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan looks at her in disbelief, «Oh my god, Toni.» She closes her eyes, fingers pressing against her eyelids, laying on her back again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s normal, isn’t it? We’ve been married for four years now-»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Exactly! Four years, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>forty</span>
  </em>
  <span>, for fuck’s sake.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a voice in the back of Toni’s head that is telling her not to make things worse, to shut up, and thankfully Regan speaks again: «Is it just a sexual thing? The way she pushes her cart or picks the tomatoes?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni knows that Regan gets aggressive when she’s mad, just like Toni, with the exception that she uses words instead of hands, so Toni lets her vent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Or is the religious look? Does it turn you on, the idea that you could turn her gay or something?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She’s already gay,» Toni points out before she can realize that it really doesn’t help her case.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan looks at her once more, and she looks so ready to physically fight her, that Toni almost feels scared. «Did something already happen?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«No, Regan, I’m not a cheater.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«But you thought about it.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Can I control my thoughts?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yes you can? Listen, I’m human too, when I see someone hot I don’t instantly turn blind. But do you know what I do? I remember that I have a hotter wife at home, one that I love, waiting for me, so I stop my fantasies right there.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni doesn’t honestly know what to answer, feeling just as guilty as she has felt for the past year, and again, undeserving of someone like Regan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Say something.» Regan prompts her, and Toni opens her mouth a couple of times, «What do you want me to say?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Do you- is it just sex?» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because Regan deserves the truth, Toni gives her just that: «I honestly don’t know.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Are you unhappy with me?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«God, no, of course not.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Don’t say “of course”. It’s not something you </span>
  <em>
    <span>should </span>
  </em>
  <span>be, that’s why I’m asking.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You’re the best person I’ve ever met, Regan.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan’s eyes turn glassy again, and similarly, Toni feels like crying as well, «Why does it feel like a goodbye?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s scary, so fucking scary right now, the idea that Regan could actually leave her. It’s true the fact that Regan is the best person Toni has ever met, challenging only Martha if anything, and that Toni would be very fucking stupid to leave her for a little fantasy with a person she barely knows.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s not. I’ve been stupid and should have cut things short with Shelby. I’m so so sorry.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You don’t have to, you know that?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni doesn’t know what Regan is referring to: if Toni doesn’t have to stay with Regan, if she doesn’t have to stop seeing Shelby, if she doesn’t have to say that she’s sorry — if something else entirely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I want to. Do you forgive me?» Is the last thing Toni asks, looking expectantly at Regan, fear of losing her gripping tight at her heart. The very same fear she felt when she was seventeen, her backpack in her hands, smashing it against her car.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yeah.» And it’s enough for Toni to take her in an embrace, to whisper millions of “I love you”s, and ultimately, to hope that her little thing with Shelby really </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>just a stupid fantasy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«Why is Shelby married to Andrew if she’s gay?» Regan asks her, a liberatory cry later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Convenience,» Toni reports. «But don’t tell anyone. I’m not sure if it was a secret or not.»</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They see each other, Shelby and her, during dinners Dot organizes, as they’ve been for the past few months — but Toni keeps her eyes cast downwards, and only speaks when asked to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When each one of her found family cuts a piece of their time to talk alone with Toni and ask her what’s up with her, it warms her heart just as much as it alarms her. The tired excuse gets abused, after a while.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(And if Shelby looks concerned, and Andrew looks wary, Toni tries not to think too much of it.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s Shelby who texts Toni first. With a </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi I’m Shelby! Dottie gave me your number, hope it’s not a problem!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> and a smiley face after — and all of a sudden, each and every Toni’s good resolutions to save her marriage with Regan flies out of the window. Because her heart doesn’t beat half as loud as it’s doing right now, staring at her screen, when it’s Regan who texts her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Not at all.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Is Toni’s first, cold and impersonal text. She tries to fix it: </span>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s been a while.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> — it’s been a week, and Toni can’t even pinpoint if it should feel this long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Andrew and I were going on a vacation and we were hoping you and Regan would come. Dot, Nora and the rest are coming too.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni smiles at the use of Dot and Nora as the ones who wear the pants in the relationship, recalling a chat they had on the topic. And Toni shows Regan, because they don’t keep secrets, and Regan’s lips turn into a straight line — a sign Toni knows means she’s disappointed or torn — but eventually says that it might do them some good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So they accept, and pack their things.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was Andrew’s idea, actually.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You know, you’re the least conservative person in Church I know,» Shelby commented, after Andrew suggested for them to go on a vacation and invite Toni. They were going to invite the rest as well, because they were now friends, so that it wouldn’t feel half as weird.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But now Shelby is feeling anxiety grow in her stomach, as they’ve loaded their car with their suitcases — it was just a couple of days, really — and are ready to go, as soon as Dot’s little van and Regan’s car will be ready as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Three cars? It’s one too many,» Regan comments, as she approaches them, her car pulling beside Andrew’s. She gets out of hers, as Toni stays put in her passenger seat, glancing just once in Shelby’s direction. It’s small, and it almost feels like a secret, as if Toni was partaking in what had been going on in Shelby’s mind just as much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Well, we’re full,» Rachel says, lifting her hands as if apologizing, before hopping in her car and plugging her earphones in; Leah already sitting there, a book on her lap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I mean, if it’s fine with you, you and Shelby could come with us,» Regan suggests again, making a general motion behind her shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Andrew answers before Shelby can, saying that they should try and be a little more environmentally responsible, and soon enough, the two of them are in the back seats of Regan’s car, their suitcases in their boot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s such a </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shelby </span>
  </em>
  <span>kind of vacation, that Toni shouldn’t be surprised. Not when they finally arrive, after an awkward two hours long car ride with radio music in the background and Regan and Andrew amiably chatting. Not when they have sorts of little houses, with palm roofs and coconuts to drink from, with those awful little umbrellas made of paper sticking out. Not when they have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>schedule</span>
  </em>
  <span>, made of mud baths, sauna, massages, manicures and pedicures and putting your feet in those tanks where little fishes eat the dead skin off you. Toni’s idea of a vacation doesn’t imply a schedule: it’s all day lounging by the shore, making sandcastles and playing volleyball.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But they’re here, and they paid for it, and everyone looks like they’re having the time of their life already, so Toni follows a smiling Regan to wherever their hut is, to leave their suitcases.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You should drag it,» Regan tells her, as Toni picks hers by its handle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I’ve got it.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«If you drag it-»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I said that I’ve got it.» And it’s a little thing, but Toni feels a hint of anger, because she knows that she </span>
  <em>
    <span>should </span>
  </em>
  <span>drag it, that it’s bad for her knee, and that the reason she won’t drag it is way more stupid than the reasons why she should. She’s “not” trying to impress anyone, and she’s not sure Shelby is looking either, but she’s been given lifts here and there, and she’s been treated with the gloves one too many times, and Toni just wants to feel strong like she used to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But by the time she places the suitcase on their hut’s floor she’s panting a little, because she’s no longer used to exercising, and her knees make a popping sound that has Regan looking at her with narrowed eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why do you have to be like this?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni doesn’t answer, because she doesn’t want to get angry — not on the first day.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby isn’t sure what’s up with Toni and Regan’s dynamic, and it sure is none of her business, but it was quite interesting to witness it for the second time in the car, the first time being when they were all invited to Dot’s place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It feels a bit like Regan is Toni’s Andrew, if that makes any sense, and more so in the way Toni seems a bit more distant to Regan than the other way around, being always Regan the first to reach out. But perhaps it’s all in Shelby’s head, and it’s just wishful thinking, that she quickly forgets when Andrew picks both their suitcases and brings them on his shoulder. At least there’s a perk to being married to him, she considers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(It’s funny when Rachel and Dot do the same, bringing Leah and Fatin’s suitcases too, as if proving a point to Andrew, and even more so, when it almost turns into a challenge amongst the three of them.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Nora and Quinn will join us later. Nora was still working this morning.» Shelby informs them, as every suitcase has been brought inside, and they’re all gathering, ready to collectively go to their first activity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What does she do?» Andrew asks, as he starts walking towards where the signs point to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She works at Soulmates’, engineering department.» Dot answers, before Shelby can realize she hasn’t asked Nora yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It makes a bit more sense why she knew so much about the topic, and why Toni excused herself, that one time: she was belittling her work, in a sense.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All of a sudden, Shelby feels impatient for Nora to join them, having been drawn to the technology for all this time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s quick glances and a lot of psychological pressure, sitting next to Regan and in front of Shelby, during the sauna. Because it’s divided by gender, for some reason, so that Andrew is alone in another room — Quinn hasn’t arrived yet, as that is just their second activity for the day, right before lunch — all the girls are there, filling one of the room divisions, steam clouds rising from the ground, making it hard to breathe through the hotness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Being naked doesn’t help either.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hell, Fatin’s comments don’t help either.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«We’ve been working out, haven’t we, Shalifoe?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Actually it’s been years, Jadmani.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Must be genetics then,» and she winks, in true Fatin style, and Toni doesn’t even think about checking on Regan — not like she does, every time she missteps and glances at Shelby’s body.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which, well, would need a mind department of memories on its own, and Andrew is a fucking lucky guy, but Regan is right there, and she really can’t complain about how her wife looks, but Toni has mapped out every inch of her skin already — and Toni has no business having these sort of thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Toni catches Shelby looking back, from time to time, and she’s pretty sure everyone but the three of them — the third being Regan — is pretty sure Shelby is straight, so it’s a whole experience, having her in this situation. With Fatin and Dot so comfortable in their skin that they even start wrestling at some point, Rachel cheering from her seat on the bench.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I feel sweat dripping down my buttcrack,» Is Leah’s cue to leave, and soon enough everyone starts following her, despite Fatin’s «Is it because you can’t read here?» and Rachel’s «Yours is an addiction Leah, I’d see a specialist.»</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>a moment to lounge on the beach, on the third day. It feels like a reward, and the sole idea that Toni needs a reward during a vacation is contradictory itself, but she won’t look a gift horse in the mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So they swim, and they play volleyball, and if Toni plays worse than she ever did, not throwing her on the sand and not moving much from her spot, her team still wins, despite Fatin’s complaints: «With a former diver and a basketball player, really? The teams are so fucking unbalanced.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I’m going to shower the salt away,» she tells Regan after a dive in the sea, who’s sunbathing next to Fatin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby looks at Toni leaving, and she’s been burying Andrew under the sand, so once he emerges from it, she tells him she’s going to shower the sand away, as he takes a dip into the sea to do the same.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Shelby isn’t exactly following Toni, but it’s just the two of them, and Toni is already under the water, looking just majestic. Hair falling down, flatter because of the water, the same water that makes the sun shine against her tan skin, her body in itself-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She turns the water down and takes a step back, getting the water out of her eyes, just to see Shelby walking towards a free shower a few spots away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Hey.» Toni greets her, and Shelby replies with a shy «Hi,» and a smile, before turning the water on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And if Toni lingers, just doing nothing, Shelby pretends not to notice it. But she sure takes extra time rinsing the salty water off her skin, making a bit of a show, turning around as if that helped redirect the water flow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she turns the water off, she just smiles at Toni pointing somewhere behind her shoulders, «I thought I’d walk you back,» as if that was an excuse. But Shelby basks in this feeling, in this feeling of being wanted, but not just wanted by anyone. This feeling of having so many boundaries they’re supposed to stay in, but still, something pulls them to stay on each other’s radar.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Toni’s is an excuse, and Shelby hasn’t misread the situation entirely.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Toni stays still, even if Shelby nodded, even if Shelby takes a step towards her. And the little makeshift walls made of bamboo sticks reach just a little higher than their shoulders, still making them virtually exposed, despite the distance and the trees in between.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They are alone, and Toni is gulping, and Shelby feels her head spinning for no reason at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Shopping got a lot more boring when I had no one to do it for,» Shelby says, all a nervous chuckle, and Toni emits one of her own, «I’m sure it did. Following Regan around got a lot more boring too,» and it should be a joke, but Toni’s smile fades a bit at her own mention, and Shelby feels the whole situation as an occasion of sorts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So she takes another step forward. She didn’t ask Regan yet. From the way Regan has been looking at her, Shelby knows that even if she did, she wouldn’t be allowed to have what Dot and the others do. But it’s another step forward, and perhaps Shelby avoided asking Regan precisely because of that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dishonesty is a sin, and so is giving in temptations, or infidelity — but then why is Toni looking at her like she’s waiting for her to get even closer?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s the parting of her lips, her lidded eyes, the way her hands almost reach out, but stop just before, as if actually touching Shelby would be worse than so clearly thinking about it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Shelby gets closer, and Toni stays with her feet planted on the ground — Shelby reaches out, and she could do a million things, but just to fake honesty, and fidelity, and resistance from temptations, she goes to turn the water on, its faucet just behind Toni’s shoulder, and soon enough, ice-cold water falls upon both of them, both their expressions changing in an instant.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«</span>
  <em>
    <span>Shelby!</span>
  </em>
  <span>»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But they’re laughing, and they’re close, but the lessened tension makes it breathing a little easier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they walk back together to where the others are, Shelby hasn’t even thought about what Andrew or Regan might think in seeing them come back together, but she probably shouldn’t worry, if it was Toni who offered that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Shelby doesn’t really care — not when it’s been decades, since the last time she felt like this, since she kissed Becca in her room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been just a few seconds, but now Toni is dead sure, even if nothing actually happened, that Shelby might feel even a fraction of the tension she does. That, or Shelby must be aware of Toni’s attraction for her, enough to think it might have been a good prank to play the seductive part like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’s distracted for the rest of the day, of course she is, so disconnected from reality that Regan stops trying to involve her in conversations after a while. The timing was the worse, as Regan isn’t stupid by any means and must have connected the dots, both of them wet from the showers — Toni could make a dirty joke, but she spares herself — and still laughing as children do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she catches Shelby’s eyes, she has a glisten of malice shining through them, as if planning the next move, and Toni feels both afraid and impossibly excited for that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She feels just like she did on court, when she used to play.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby is making one too many questions, but the topic has always interested her ever since she heard about it for the first time earlier that year — so, once Quinn and Nora arrive, settle down in their hut and they all dine together, gathered around the bonfire, Shelby sits next to Nora precisely to shower her with questions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«So that the more people take the test, the wider the database gets, the more precise the soulmates matching get,» Nora finishes explaining that bit about accuracy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«How wide is the database right now?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It could be better. We can’t complain because it’s barely been a year, and already thirty per cent of the population or so took the test, which is a lot. But those who cannot take the test, because of health problems, because their country doesn’t let them, or because they’re in unreachable places of the earth are way less than all the people who are not taking it.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then Quinn joins the conversation: «It’s a generational thing. In a couple of decades virtually everyone will take the test, and the accuracy will be at its maximum.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«There’s also a lot of misinformation, despite the ads. Many people believe it’s some mind-controlling device and that people who undergo the test are stupid.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby fills the last two empty spaces: one reason not to take the test might be religion, and the other one convenience.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She glances at Toni very briefly, before going with another question on the theory behind the test.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Nora tells her that Shelby is welcome to pay her a visit, if she’d like to see the technology behind it at work.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s the last evening, and they’re playing some games on the walkway to the sea, Andrew and Rachel throwing rocks in it, trying to make them jump, even if it’s pitch black and it turned more into a convincing contest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby is walking by the sea, a little separated from the rest, and because everyone is fragmented into little groups, Toni excuses herself from where Regan and Fatin are discussing how Fatin is considering leaving the orchestra as well and living as a kept woman.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s just a few steps before Toni joins Shelby, both of them leaving grooves on the sand with every slow and lazy step. Shelby’s white linen shirt moves a little with the slight wind that the movements of the sea arise, for how light it is, and she looks straight out of a perfume advertisement.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Hey,» Shelby smiles fondly at her, to which Toni hums in response, and Shelby comments: «I got to spend some alone time with everyone. It was nice, it feels like I know them a little better now.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni wonders where she’s been all this time instead, passively staying where she was put.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Well, everyone but you,» Shelby clarifies, and Toni wonders if the shower accident doesn’t count. They haven’t talked that’s for sure, and perhaps it’s for the best. What if, as Regan said, it wasn’t just a sex thing?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why did you give Nora the third grade?» Toni finds herself asking, not even realizing she paid much attention, or she cared, for that matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby glances at her, before looking back ahead, «Don’t tell me you don’t find it fascinating.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«The test?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«The idea that you have a soulmate. Somewhere. Perhaps they took the test already, and they’re waiting for you. Perhaps they’ve been writing letters to you, one each night, wondering why you’re being so stubborn.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Then take it.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s so simple: if Shelby feels so strongly about it, she should take it. Why won’t she take the damn test?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a beat, one where Shelby walks slower, perhaps considering to stop, but she doesn’t, when she laughs bitterly: «I really don’t want to end up being the one who waits.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That’s selfish.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At that, Shelby looks sharply at her. «As if both of us weren’t.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t take a scientist for Toni to understand what she’s referring to, so she averts her gaze, and tries to scroll that weird sensation off her back. The sensation that she should agree, that she should care, that she should feel guilty for Regan — that she should run back to her, right now, before being close to Shelby devours her. But she doesn’t, and she’d gladly be swallowed whole, if Shelby may please.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What if they’re dead?» Toni asks, «The soulmate. What if they died waiting?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>What Toni doesn’t expect, is Shelby stopping dead in her tracks, and grabbing Toni’s shirt, when she turns around and gets closer, asking what’s wrong. But Toni holds her, sensing that’s a sensitive topic, and the way Shelby breaks down in her embrace feels so right, borderline sadistically, in a way that nothing ever felt before. With Shelby’s figure pressed against her, and Toni’s arms to keep her close, pressed, trying to give her all the warmth she possesses.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The walk back is weird and light and Toni feels like shaking and would like to run back into that embrace, Shelby’s tears slowly evaporating from her shirt. If they hold their pinky while they’re far enough for anyone to notice, Toni tells herself it’s just to comfort Shelby.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. it's not something you can explain, so don't bother</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The vacation did more harm than good, Shelby is positive. Because it proved to Andrew that his worst fears were materializing before him, and it made the distance even more unbearable for Shelby. It makes absolutely no sense, as Shelby tries to wrap her mind around it, how she doesn’t know a thing about Toni, how she might as well be the next stranger in her life, but still felt that pull, that not only sexual attraction, that voice in her head that is screaming every passing second to go find her. To spend time with her. To be as close as she can, to get to know her, from the stupidest things to the reason she had that ugly scar on her knee, which Shelby tried her best not to look at, during the vacation. But with Toni, even the parts that are supposed to be ugly feel everything but that, and it’s so new and unexplainable that Shelby doesn’t know where to start.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And the worst part, the worst part is that it doesn’t depend on her. Because there’s Toni, and there’s Regan, and the days are passing and the most she’s getting are occasional cold texts from Toni.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Willingly cruel, as if wanting the same things Shelby does, but not letting any of them experience it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And riding that cruelty, as if in spite of Toni, or of Andrew, or of the situation Shelby found herself in — she takes the test.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She takes the test and they tell her that it’ll take them some time to elaborate the results, and as soon as they do, they’ll send her the best matching results, and warn her if any new match takes the test in the future.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Shelby keeps the documents under her bed, away from Andrew’s gaze. She asks Nora not to tell a soul, and Nora smiles and tells her not to worry.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s been a whole fucking year since the last time Toni saw Martha, so it’s only natural that it’s her who offers to pick her up from the airport. She just waves casually at Marcus, honestly not giving a fuck about him, and she literally runs — even if she shouldn’t, even if she’s limping — to hug her Marty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Ugh, you’re such a bitch!» Toni says, not sure when that became her new phrasing for “I miss you”.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Martha laughs, «For what?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«For going to fucking Perù?!»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You and Regan should come with us,» Martha offers for the umpteenth time, and it’s always like that: Toni telling her to stay, Martha telling her to go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not Regan’s face what comes to her mind, when she pictures herself on a beach with her best friend and her husband — it’s a glimpse, a flash, the briefest of moments, but also a big fucking flag. Because Martha is family, and Regan is supposed to be the closest thing she has to that, right? Regan, and not Shelby Goodkind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby is actually pretty hyped to get to meet Toni’s best friend. She’s heard her talking non-stop about Martha, during their shopping sessions, in-between movies and board games. Everything reminded Toni of Martha, and it was honestly so sweet and the first thing that suggested to Shelby that there was much more to Toni than the grumpy attitude and great looks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So now she’s shaking hands with her, before pulling her in a hug, because she’s a hugger, and she slips a: «Toni has talked so much about you, I feel like I know you already!»  that must have been the wrong thing to say, by how everyone looks at her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>First, it’s Martha’s confused: «She has?», then it’s Toni’s alarmed gaze, then it’s Regan’s deadly stare, Andrew’s looking just resigned, and various grades of embarrassment and amusement on the others’ faces. (Especially Fatin’s.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So perhaps the fact that Shelby just said the very first thing Regan said, the first time she met Martha, and vice versa, isn’t the best reassurance for Toni’s wife. Perhaps it’s even worse when Shelby and Martha keep talking for the rest of the date as if they’ve known each other for years, seeming more in tune than Regan and Martha ever were (which was part of the reason, aside from Regan’s job, they wouldn’t join them in Perù.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The warmth Toni feels at the interaction, for which she’s sure she would have felt overly jealous of, back in high school, doesn’t help either.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because Martha loves nature, they collectively choose to go to the local adventure park, the next day, and hiking, the one after that: both of them activities Toni cannot do, but will hover, to spend some time with her best friend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’s on photo duty during the adventure park, snapping absolute masterpieces of everyone’s terrified expressions during jumps and unstable ropes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby is quite skilled, and honestly, it’s getting annoying witnessing how many things she can do — shopping, organizing vacations, making Toni feel like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni carefully counts the number of photos she takes, distributing them equally to the group, taking a few extra shots with everyone in, and a couple more with just Regan posing for her, just in case.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just to be safe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(They’ve been avoiding the topic, a total taboo in their house by now. Weird enough, considering how “communication is key” has been Regan’s motto ever since twenty seventeen, but they’re no longer seventeen, and that might have been the last straw.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby figured that to pass as innocent, get into Regan’s good graces, and ask for the abstract thing that has no shape in her head yet — if not for Toni’s body shape, but she doesn’t need to think about that right now — she needs to actually talk to Regan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So that’s what she does, as Regan is quite good at trekking herself, and the two of them are leading the big group, just a few steps behind Rachel, and just a couple more in front of Dot and Andrew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why didn’t Toni come?» is the first thing Shelby asks, as she falls in step next to Regan, and by the sharp look Regan reserves her, Shelby knows that was stupid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She couldn’t,» Regan non-answers, missing the opportunity to ask Shelby why she was so interested. Or perhaps Regan already had everything figured out, and was just waiting for Shelby to make a full of herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Shelby goes for a different approach. «Teaching, huh? Must be a big jump, from the orchestra to that,» she accompanies it with a laugh, even if Shelby has no idea what she’s talking about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It is, but the kids are just too sweet,» Regan answers with a smile, and Shelby feels like breathing again, as if she could finally relax, as smiles are a good sign — but Regan elaborates: «We wanted a stable home, Toni and I, for the kids.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«The kids?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Foster parenting. I don’t know when yet, but we’ll sign up soon enough.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby’s throat closes a bit, making it hard to answer, as she tries for a tentative smile. Parents. That would officially make Shelby a homewrecker, wouldn’t it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh, fuck, they’re becoming parents.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why didn’t Toni mention this?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What about you and Andrew, you don’t want any?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s perhaps even worse, and Shelby hopes he’ll forgive her, when she mumbles: «He’s sterile,» and an even worse: «We don’t believe in adoption.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan makes a face — of course she does, you dumb idiot — «What’s there to believe in?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I only meant that it’s not something we’re interested in, as a couple.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan eyes her some more, and as if making up her mind, she nods once, and the change is instantaneous. They’re talking cooking, and cleaning the house, and having childlike parents to look after — Shelby’s nightmare, in a sense, the kind of housewife she hopes she wouldn’t be, and the kind of small talk that keeps her away from the church, if not for when it’s needed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«Shelby is actually lovely,» is Regan’s strange input, later that night, when she’s taken her shower and is joining Toni in bed. Toni spent most of her time lazing around with her basketball setup, watching tv shows and making puzzles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She is?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan laughs, «As if you didn’t know. You’re the one who had a little crush on her.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s even weirder, how Regan is talking about it right now. Toni doesn’t correct her “had” to a “still have”, and quietly listens to how Regan tells her how they talked and how Shelby sounded very in love with Andrew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So that was it: Regan realized Shelby wasn’t a threat, and that Toni’s unfaithful thoughts couldn’t translate to actions — not that Toni would.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Despite how much she wished to.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni doesn’t point out how Shelby is gay either, leaving Regan in her safety bubble, hoping it won’t occur to her later either.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>«Regan has a fever,» Is the reason why Toni is shopping in Shelby’s supermarket, a few mornings later. She doesn’t even say hi, eager to get it over the way, perhaps to give Shelby some kind of message, some kind of warning, or to clear her own conscience.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby smiles, «Hi, Toni,» and gets lost in that familiar, albeit distant, routine they used to have.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni must realize how out of place she just sounded, because she looks at Shelby a bit sheepishly, and falls into steps next to her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«A fever in august?» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She’s one of a kind, really.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«The photos you took were hilarious.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«My favourite is the close up of Dot’s face as she’s jumping.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yeah,» Shelby’s chuckle fades, as silence sits between them, just the quiet noise of the cart’s wheels on the pavements and the ambient music through the speakers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Regan taught you to actually read the list,» Shelby notices, and it’s weird enough, for the two of them, not to have topics to talk about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You have, actually.» — and Toni revelations don’t help ease the mood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, since they’re on his wavelength, Shelby asks it: «Had a chat with Regan the other day, hiking.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She mentioned it. I wish I was here,» Toni laughs, the “to witness how weird it was” implicit under her smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She said you’re gonna be parents,» Shelby says it like she’s ripping a band-aid off, and Toni’s quick eyes on her make Shelby think that maybe the sensation is precisely that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«We have barely talked about it-»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby sighs, and she shouldn’t, but feels relieved enough upon hearing that. Nonetheless, she tries reassuring her: «Toni, it’s a good thing.» </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni looks down at her cart, and offers a tight-lipped smile to Shelby. «Is it, though?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With that, that little crack in Toni’s perfect relationship with her wife, Shelby is let in, in the intimacy of what feels everything but perfect, the oniric mirage of something that has been great, in a past life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In between Toni’s venting, between her «It feels like I live with a stranger sometimes, and I know it’s normal, and after a while you’re no longer supposed to feel like when you’re teenagers, </span>
  <em>
    <span>but</span>
  </em>
  <span>-» and «What if I’m deceiving her? I should tell her. But I’ll break her heart, won’t I? But I have to tell her, I don’t want to cage her in this marriage, with </span>
  <em>
    <span>children-</span>
  </em>
  <span>» — in between all that, they park in front of Toni’s house, but Shelby doesn’t want to leave Toni like that, her heart poured in the passenger seat of her car just for her to kick her out to go back in the house she just finished complaining about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, in between all that, Shelby offers Toni to come to her place, and Toni agrees, all lucid eyes and trembling lower lip.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Shelby notices how Toni doesn’t say “cage me in this marriage”, and how she keeps mumbling what an awful wife she is, leaving Regan home all alone while she’s sick.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Toni didn’t mean to cause a scene, but being close to Shelby after so long made her tense, and Toni was already on edge on her way to the supermarket, trying to find an excuse as to why she was going there — as to why she was hoping Shelby would be there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So when Shelby was there, Toni started losing it, with every little pointless small-talk. The final straw had been the mention of children, because Regan and Toni talked about it, and Toni mentioned wanting to be a foster parent with her almost a decade ago. Toni now almost repulses the thought, because she no longer has those pretty pink metaphorical love sunglasses she used to have, given to her by Regan herself, through which it looked as if everything was gonna be fine, and Toni would have been able to save children from experiencing what Toni had. But now Toni was disillusioned, and saw the ugly word through her naked eye. Nothing told her she would be better than her mother, and what if she ended up being worse? She didn’t want more people to hate her — not when Toni was sure Regan would, at some point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the thing that let Toni’s mind slip past her grip was how bittersweet, with a forced smile on, Shelby looked. Because Toni read it in her eyes: when there are children, it’s too late. No one wants to hurt children. No one should even think about it. But now they still had time, Toni’s heart kept suggesting, all seducing whisper in her ear. Toni still had time to take Shelby’s hand and fly away, far away, in a place they could just be.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Toni explained it all in a way she never has with no one before, not even Martha, and Shelby listened, held her hand, was all comprehensive, and offered her house for a couple of hours.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And even now, as Toni helps Shelby unload her shopping bags, as Shelby just made a joke and Toni still feels her cheeks wet but she’s smiling, Toni hears the voice. Take her, and fly away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even if they no longer shop together, now that Fatin has left the orchestra, Regan and her have started exhibiting in a local bar every couple of days, so Shelby and Toni find a new kind of routine. Shelby is thankful that Andrew grows bored of classical music quick enough, and stops joining them. Shelby is also thankful that the tables are set for couples, so that Leah and Dot are in the one next to theirs, and Shelby and Toni take the other one, in the front row.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby is envious, and she doesn’t feel half ashamed to admit that to herself: she’s envious of what Dot and the others have, and she can’t make up her mind as to why she can’t have the same. With Toni, Regan, and Andrew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She says it out loud, one of these nights.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I should ask Andrew if he’d be open to polygamy.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sees Toni giving all her attention from the corner of her eye, their half-empty drinks sitting on the table before them, Dot and Leah past the tipsy phase, Regan and Fatin and the other guy that joined them providing the music.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I could see it,» Toni says with a chuckle. Shelby loves the sound, and she finds herself smiling at that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yeah?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why not.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s Andrew we’re talking about.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«He’s not half bad. He got better with time,» Toni smirks, before taking a sip, and Shelby wonders when the two of them got the chance to talk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«He did?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni shrugs, and goes back to looking at the stage. «Regan might be for an open relationship, but I don’t think polygamy, no.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Why?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni takes a deep breath, as if recalling an itchy memory, «As long as it’s just sex it’s not that big of a deal.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That’s the same thing Andrew said,» Shelby comments, before she can realize what that implies, and the curious look Toni gives her tells her they’re both thinking about the same thing. Why did they have this talk, and over who?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Shelby chuckles in a nervous manner and redirects the talk: «What if Regan falls in love with the third person too?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni raises her brows, «Do you have a third person in mind that we might both like?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby has one person in mind — herself — but she can’t see herself with Regan, that feels a bit too weird.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The summer goes by, and by the time September rolls around, Toni and Shelby still spend their mornings together. It feels like a truce, the way, when the ten of them hang out together, they don’t exactly avoid each other, but just look for each other’s gazes across the room and nothing more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«A kid accidentally called me mom today,» Regan tells Toni, a peck on her lips, once she’s home from work one of these nights.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It happens all the time.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«And, about that…» Regan starts, </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan has brought up the topic a lot more recently, and Toni doesn’t want to think she might be the reason, but every cheap romcom Shelby has shoved down her throat has prepared her to connect the dots: one partner suddenly wants a baby, as soon as they suspect that the other one is cheating, to guilt them into fidelity, or something like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni won’t ask if that’s the case, and she would be giving Regan too little credit to think she’d adopt a child </span>
  <em>
    <span>just </span>
  </em>
  <span>for that — but Regan’s sudden mom instinct might be an opportunity, for her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Toni knows she hasn’t been the best behaving person lately, so she can either repent or go full opportunistic now.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You said it was time to have “the talk” before we’d think about adopting a baby,» Toni reminds her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Things have changed now ever since Regan first suggested that, right before Toni met Shelby, and if Toni agreed to discuss the topic she’s been dreading for the past four years back then, she knows Regan would have had an opposite reaction to what she’s having right now. Looking like she knows what Toni is aiming at.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«The test talk? You wanna take the test now?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s not like I want to, but we’re talking about a baby, not a dog.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Still important.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You know what I mean.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan stares at Toni for quite some time, scoffs, takes a few steps around, as if getting to terms with whichever revelation she’s having right now. «What are you hoping to find?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«You know I don’t believe in that test to begin with-»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What are you hoping to find, Toni?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«What do you want me to tell you?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That you’re still sure you are my soulmate like you were not even a year ago!»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Truth is, Toni wasn’t sure even back then — wasn’t sure ever since the second time they started dating again, as something broke deep down in that relationship, shattered with that car window. Something that looks like Regan’s trust in her, and Toni’s self-deprecation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Toni nods, and tells Regan what she wants to hear.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The days waiting from the elaboration to the results pass quicker than Toni had anticipated: she feels like she used to after the vaccination day, proud with her band-aid on her arm, with a thing she didn’t like to do already. It tastes like freedom, like a door that has just been opened, like Toni’s life is just about to change.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t know when, but at some point, the endless talks with Nora convinced her that the test works, despite Toni’s statements — and she doesn’t know when, but at some point, Toni realized that  Regan is not her soulmate.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s two parts: one digital notification from the Soulmate’s app — «I’m not downloading it,» Toni said, «Why not? Why did you take the test then if you don’t want the results-» Regan asked her, «Because I don’t want to be tracked everywhere I go by an ominous organization,» but Toni ended up downloading the app anyways.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The notification just tells them that their elaboration is complete, which means they have created an artificial model of their mind or something just as bad-sounding. They already signed to be the only owners of that model, and as Regan ticked the confirming box to donate her model to research, Toni signed the opposing one, careful of her privacy and her thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second part is a paper document that is sent to their mailbox a week later or so, which means that both their soulmates are already registered in the system.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«That’s good, right? They’ve been quick, it means it must be us,» Regan keeps saying, as they sit at their living room table, the one they never ever use, and Toni has a bad feeling sitting in her stomach.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They look at each other, and Regan is smiling, but there’s tension, and fear, and even if what they do with the information will depend entirely on them, it feels like a stupid document is about to dictate the course of their life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Toni signed up for that, so she opens her document just as Regan does.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby has come to terms with her life, now that it’s been a year ever since her neighbours moved next door. (A year since she met Toni.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She has come to terms with it, because sure, she’s had a few ups and downs, but overall, those eight — ten, if Shelby counts Marcus and Martha as well — new people have given her life a whole new look, made of game nights and movie mornings and shopping dates. Shelby can’t really complain about how her life is going. With Andrew now finally understanding her and where their problem with intimacy comes from. With her weekly encounters with her parents full of exciting things happened during the week she can daydream about, as she tunes them off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, with Toni.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby has almost forgotten about it — almost, because the Soulmates commercials are everywhere — when an envelope with the company logo and her name printed on gets delivered to her mailbox.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It has multiple papers, so Shelby starts from the very beginning, impatient but not wanting to spoil that for herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dear Shelby Goodkind,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We are happy to inform you that your Soulmate has taken their test, on the present date reported at the beginning of this document.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Regan is reading out loud, as they chose to go through them together, one at a time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«</span>
  <em>
    <span>-to inform you that your Soulmate has taken their test on the fourth of July, 2024,</span>
  </em>
  <span>» Regan lifts her eyes to look at Toni, as the meaning of that sentence hits them both.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Today is the sixteenth of September, 2025,» Toni reminds her, as if to prove a point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan closes the document, «Maybe you’re right, maybe these things are just a scam-»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Keep reading, please.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Regan does.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>These modules are pre-printed, with options ticked by a machine and re-printed with the newer information later on. Shelby reads as it says that her soulmate has accepted to leave a phone number, alongside some personal data. That’s good, as Nora told her that some people take the test and don’t want to be found, for some reason she can’t comprehend.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She reads as it describes the test, its reliability, the nature of the bond, and the disclaimers that the company is not to hold accountable for any kind of illegal behaviour done in the name of the bond. Shelby wonders when that happened, if someone got as far as stalking, or worse, their soulmate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby flips the page, where the name, last name, photo and phone number of her soulmate are staring back at her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So, Regan’s soulmate is a them, which is shocking enough, as she has only ever dated girls up to this day. But it’s there, their photo loud and clear, and phone contact ready to be called.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan looks at her as if she was waiting for Toni’s instruction, and it’s sad enough for Toni to realize that she doesn’t care that much. She obviously cares about Regan as a person, despite Toni’s not so good behaviour of the last couple of years — if falling out of love is something one can be held accountable for — but she knows it won’t be easy to be friends. Because Regan is the kind of person who reaches out even after a breakup, while Toni is the kind of person who locks themselves in their room to eat ice cream for the next twenty years.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Toni nods, with a smile — a genuine one, because, fuck, Regan deserves a person who can make her happy, in the way Toni has failed to — «You should call them.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regan does, excusing herself, and the urgency with which she does it makes Toni wonder for how long has Regan been harbouring the idea that their relationship was over, despite all her best efforts. Probably long enough for her to accept to take the test with her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Probably at least a year, ever since Shelby has slipped in Toni’s life, making it harder for her to hide her troubles.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Toni, as Regan walks around the courtyard, phone in her hand, smiling and talking and laughing with her hands and lucid eyes — Toni opens her own document, fearing it won’t be half as pleasing to learn who Toni’s soulmate it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s irrational, and there are seven billion people on this earth, but Toni knows who it is before she has to open it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dear Toni Shalifoe,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We are happy to inform you that your Soulmate has taken their test on the twenty-fifth of August, 2025.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby doesn’t quite know what to do. She doesn’t know what she expected, back when she took the test, right after their little vacation. She was hurt and she was mad at- at </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span>, for avoiding her. Irrationally mad, because they were gonna be foster parents, and what the hell was Shelby expecting?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first thing Shelby does is dialling Nora’s number, apologizing for disturbing her, and asking her if being mad at someone might alter the results of the test.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Perhaps it’s the worst it could have been, because Regan actually likes her, and has repeated more than once that she doesn’t want to be the jealous type. It’s also bad because Regan doesn’t know yet if her soulmate is a friend, a lover, or something else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>While Toni knows what hers is.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nora’s answer is no, and Shelby is left staring back at her face, and of course the photo she’d choose is one from back in the wnba career. Shelby picks it and looks at it, tracing the jumping figure, where the muscles are contracted, fingers brushing the ball, clearly about to dunk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’s no longer in contact with her emotions, and can’t understand what she’s feeling, when she’s crying and laughing and feels hysterical — when she wants to run and hide, forget everything that it implies, such a sick joke, being caged so close to her and can’t quite have it, and the urgent need to just take her car and show up at her place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni must have gotten the results too by now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby’s photo is pretty, and Toni had no idea she used to be a pageant queen. Miss Texas 2017, to be precise. She can’t wait to mock her for that, and as she thinks so, she also realizes that she can’t wait to just be close to her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s Shelby, isn’t it?» Regan asks her, startling her, as Toni lost herself in what she just discovered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Yeah.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It was pretty clear.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni turns to look at her, and is surprised to see Regan rather at peace with the idea now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«I’m sorry, Regan, I’m so fucking sorry-» even if Toni doesn’t want to be still in this relationship, she feels so bad for how things went between them. How Toni has been a coward, unable to get them out way sooner, not to hurt Regan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Regan hugs her, holds her, in that familiar way Toni knows she’ll miss, and knows will be hard to build back with Shelby, </span>
  <em>
    <span>if </span>
  </em>
  <span>she’ll have the occasion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«It’s fine, you’re fine. Better late than never, right?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni laughs through the tears, «Right.»</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t take Shelby to drive to Toni’s place, because it’s Toni herself who’s ringing her doorbell, the next morning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s early enough, half an hour earlier than when Shelby usually gets out, and Toni is wearing a shy smile. «Hi.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Hey.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«Is Andrew home?»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby shakes her head, «No,» she says, stepping aside to let Toni in, «Actually he’s not at work either. He’s at the clinic to take his test.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took it well enough, when Shelby told him, last night. He took it as a sign that the test worked, and wanted to get his as well as soon as possible. («If dad finds out you took it-» but Andrew cut her off: «I’ll actually get a real job next.»)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> «I guess it wasn’t a spontaneous choice.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shelby smiles, «No, indeed. The results arrived yesterday afternoon.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Toni nods, «Same.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«How did Regan take it?» Shelby asks, as she takes Toni’s coat to hang it by the entrance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«She was happy for hers, so not too bad. We- we broke up, obviously.»</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It should be bad news, but Shelby is fighting off a smile, and she never thought she’d be the kind of person to thrive at other people’s expenses. But in love and war everything is allowed, or something like that, so.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>«So, who’s your soulmate?» Shelby asks, because that’s perhaps the most vital piece of information she forgot to ask Nora: if soulmatism could be unrequited.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Toni is leaning in, on the tip of her toes, answering with a kiss.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>is the end rushed? it always is, i know</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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